The Engulfing Fear of Nothing
by Transition88
Summary: "He wasn't sure when it happened, exactly. The moment when he realized that everyone leaves eventually." Stiles' mental health is on a downward spiral, and he's slowly unraveling. (Trigger warnings)
1. Chapter 1

**So I've been absolutely obsessed with Teen Wolf lately, but mostly Stiles. I'm so glad theirs so much fanfiction about him, he's such a brilliant character.**

**As for the mental disorder Stiles has, I'm mostly using symptoms of borderline personality disorder. However I've never experienced it or met someone who has experienced it so I hope I don't get it all wrong or offend anyone. You don't have to look at it as BPD if you don't want, I suppose.**

**Also, not sure what pairing this will have, if it has one at all. Maybe Stiles will end up single.**

**Or date me.**

**Anyway, here is my very first Teen Wolf fanfiction.**

He wasn't sure when it happened, exactly. The moment when he realized that everyone leaves eventually.

His mother, Jackson, Erica, Boyd, Aiden, Ethan, Allison, Isaac, the list goes on and on. Whether they died or up and left town, they left him.

He was unwanted.

He tried not to ponder this fear often, but yet he would often find himself staring up at his ceiling until the early hours of the morning wondering why he had to be so worthless that everyone would just leave.

So worthless that his mother would rather die than deal with him.

"If you're mad at me, just say something." Scott glances up from his sandwich, startled by his friend's statement.

The pack, sans Derek, is gathered around their usual lunch table.

"Where is this coming from? Why would I be angry with you?"

"You're kicking me out of the pack, aren't you?"

"Stiles, what are you talking about?"

But Stiles has already stormed from the table in a huff, leaving the group as confused as ever.

"I'll go talk to him" Malia offers, and the others just nod as she gets up to follow her boyfriend.

"What was that about?" Lydia asks and Scott just shakes his head.

"You're asking me? I have no clue what he's talking about."

"Maybe he's still blaming himself for what happens with the nogitsune." Kira offers,, right before Scotts phone buzzes.

It's a text from Malia, that simply reads, _Boys locker room_, but he knows right away that Stiles needs help.

As he enters the boys locker room, the scent of fear hits his nose immediately, while the sound of Stiles hyperventilating, and the whisperings of calming words from Malia fill his ears.

Scott walks further into the locker room only to see Stiles slumped over a row of lockers.

Malia is rubbing soothing circles in his back with one hand, while he's desperately clinging to the other.

"Hey Stiles" Scott greets as squats down to Stiles' level, and between frantic gasps for air their eyes meet, "shhh it'd okay buddy. You're all right."

Slowly but surely Malia and Scott are able to coach Stiles out of his panic attack, but they were still worried about Stiles, you didn't need werewolf senses to know he was terrified.

"I'm sorry Scott."

"For what?"

"For getting mad at the table, I don't blame your decision."

Scott is confused by the latter part of his friend's statement, "what decision?"

"To kick me from the pack, I understand the decision. All I've done so far is get possessed."

"Stiles, you've done a lot to help. Besides, I'm not kicking you out of the pack, who told you that?"

Theirs a flicker of something in Stiles' eye, "I just had a feeling."

"What gave you that feeling?"

All Stiles can do is response is shrug, and he looks around the locker room for a bit before glancing back at Scott, "so we're still friends then?"

Scott is more confused now more than ever, "Of course we're still friends! Dude we're brothers."

Stiles smiles a little, but it's not enough to rid Scott of his concern.

However, they don't talk about the incident and in the blink of an eye Stiles is back to his normal behavior. Everyone just assumes he was stressed or tired, and pushed the incident to the back of their minds.

It's not until a few weeks later that Stiles gets that odd feeling again. It's 7:30 and his dad was supposed to be home half an hour ago. However, instead of his mind jumping to the conclusion of extra paperwork, or heavy traffic, he has this aching feeling that his dad isn't coming home.

It's not his usual fear, the one that his dad was injured or…worse.

No, this fear has him convinced that his father had packed a bag and left, not wanting to see his face ever again.

Stiles begins pacing around his room, unable to focus, unable to breathe.

He pops an Adderall even though he took his pill this morning, hoping it will help him stop freaking out.

When this theory proves false he just pops another, and it about to do it again when he hears the front door shut.

"Stiles! C'mon I picked up a pizza on the way home!"

He bolts down the stairs and just stares as his father enters the kitchen.

"Okay, I know, I know. But it's veggie pizza with whole wheat curst so-"

His father is cut off by Stiles engulfing him with a hug.

"I was afraid you weren't coming home." He mumbles and his father returns the hug.

"You were afraid I was…hurt? I'm sorry kiddo I should've called to tell you I'd be running late."

Stiles doesn't know why, but he's offended by his fathers confusion, by the fact that he's not fessing up to almost abandoning Stiles.

He quickly pushes away from his father, "no, that's not it!" he shouts before running up to his room and slamming the door behind him.

He's screaming into his pillow. First he was angry with his father and now he's just angry with himself

"Stiles? What's going on?"

He starts tossing things around the room, he can't fight this…whatever this is and it's eating at him.

It's like all he can feel is anger, blind rage, fury.

He wants to slam his head into a brick wall if would just let him clear his mind.

His father's frantic pleas are drowned out by the taunting thoughts.

_They're all going to leave you._

_You're worthless._

_Die._

However, the sound of shattering glass is enough to break the spell and he realizes he's thrown something at his mirror.

He picks up the piece that fell out and studies it for a moment, before realizing theirs blood dripping down his arm.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry this chapter is kind of short, the next one will be longer. If you liked it or have suggestions/critiques, please review!**

The emotions, the anger and pain, they come and go.

And yet, as much as he hates them, they're better than the other feeling.

The emptiness.

"Party at my place, guys."

Danny is standing over their lunch table handing them flyers.

"It's been a while since you've had one of your infamous parties." Scott responds, eagerly grabbing the flyer.

"Too long." Danny agrees.

"So what's the occasion?" Kira asks, always eager to make new friends.

Danny shrugs, "well, my half birthday is coming up, so I guess that's an excuse."

The second Danny leaves the group starts eagerly discussing the party.

"I've never been to a real high school party, wont this be fun babe?" Malia turns to her boyfriend but he's staring at the wall.

"Stiles? You there?" Scott's words break Stiles from his trance.

"Yeah, it's just" he glances down at his hands, "Danny's half birthday isn't that soon, and the last time we had a big party," he's slowly counting his fingers in his head, hoping the others don't notice, "wait, never mind."

He had reached ten.

His friends brush off his odd outburst and return to their conversations.

"Anyway, like I was saying, this is my first high school party. Won't it be fun babe?"

Malia tilts her head and gives this cute little smile and _God she's perfect._

Stiles returns the smile and throws and arm around her, giving her a squeeze.

"Yeah, and Danny's parties are kind of legendary."

"Ugh, I can't wait, how is it only Tuesday?" Malia responds, and Kira nods in agreement.

"We should all do something together beforehand." Lydia suggests, finally adding to the conversation.

"Like what?" Scott asks, and she shrugs.

"Pizza?" She suggests and Stiles lets out a laugh.

"God knows we'd need the carbs in our stomach."

Everyone but Malia laughs, instead she just tilts her head in that cute confused way again.

"Why would we need carbs?"

_You don't even deserve her._

_She's going to leave you._

He flinches and then pushes the fears aside, pulling her even closer.

"You'll see Saturday morning."

More laughs around the table.

The rest of the day breezes by, much of the school abuzz about Danny's party.

"Wow, his parties really must be something." Malia comments as Stiles is driving her home and he nods eagerly.

"Yeah, I can't wait for you to experience one."

He slows down in front of her house and she leans forward to give him a goodbye kiss, which he quickly deepens.

Malia smiles into the kiss.

"My my my, what's gotten into you today?"

_God I love her, God she's amazing_

"Nothing, I just don't know what I did to deserve you."

His words bring an automatic smile to her face and she kisses him again.

"See you tomorrow."

He drives away ecstatic, the happier he feels, the harder he pushes down on the gas.

He doesn't even realize he's going 65 in a 30 zone because all he can think about is her and God she is perfect.

_She's gonna leave you_

The voice whispers to him as he parks his jeep and get his backpack out from the back of his car.

He heads up to his room and immediately starts on the book report he had due next week, but the nagging doesn't stop.

_She's perfect and you're nothing. _

_She's going to leave you._

_They all do._

In a last ditch effort to keep him from losing his mind he's lurching for the phone.

"Hey Stiles." Theirs an air of confusion in her voice.

"Hey, hey I just needed to hear your voice."

"Is something wrong?" She sounds concerned and he hit his head in frustration, and guilt for making her worry.

"No, no I just missed you."

"You just saw me."

"Yeah but I missed you."

"Um, I missed you too."

"Can you come over?"

"Right now?"

"Yeah"

Theirs some hesitation on her end of the line but she finally replies with a hasty "sure, I'll be right over" and then the line goes blank.

He can't exactly tell why, but he's angry with her.

It's like she wanted him to feel guilty for wanting to see her.

_It's because she doesn't want you_

He realizes the voice is right, and is keen on breaking it off the minute he sees her. Hurt her before she can hurt him.

But then he opens the door and she just smirks at him, tilts her head.

"Did ya miss me?"

And _God she's perfect._

_You don't deserve her._

And he knows he doesn't, but he lifts her up anyway bringing her lips to his, kicking the front door closed.

She laughs as he carries her up the stairs and places her on the bed before crawling on top of her, kissing her hungrily.

As he's lifting her shirt off, she stops him.

"What has gotten into you?"

And he pauses in fear, _this is when she ends it with you, _but then she smirks and continues.

"You're acting like me."

And he kisses her neck as she giggles, reaching for the hem of his shirt.

"Stiles? What's that?"

And then he remembers the haze, the mirror, the shattering, and the glass.

_Fuck._

"Lacrosse practice. It's kinds nasty, you should probably just leave my shirt on."

She just lets out a huff before pulling his lips to her and he's so grateful she can't really detect lies yet.

_She probably knows_

_She's jus ignoring it because she doesn't care_

_No one cares_

_They all leave eventually_

She works as an amazing distraction. The entire time she's there all he can think about is her, but the second the leaves his mind goes numb.

And it's not anger, it's not fear, it's nothing.

He's pacing around his room before just sitting on his bed and staring at a wall.

His mind is blank and he needs to feel _something._

The glass comes crashing down on his skin again.

He just wants to feel _alive._


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of the week went by antagonizing slow, but before they knew it, Friday had rolled around.

They were gathered around the lunch table, yet again. Lydia and Kira discussing outfit ideas for tonight while Scott experimented putting ketchup on pizza.

Stiles tightened his grip around Malia's shoulder, the past week he had been off somehow. And while the only word she could think of to describe him was clingy, she didn't mind. The late night rendezvous and "I love yous" over the phone were somewhat endearing.

"Okay, disgusting." Scott proclaimed, sticking his tongue out.

"What is?" Asked Lydia, glancing up from her phone.

"Ketchup on pizza. Don't ever try it."

"Scott, you're the only one who would try that, no need to warn us." Stiles laughed.

"Besides, aren't we getting pizza tonight? You should've gotten something different for lunch." Kira added.

Scott scowled at the table before laughing.

Things were looking up.

After school Malia went home with Lydia and Kira, the three of them deciding to use

the party as an excuse for a girl night -up until they would meet up with the boys at least.

So, Stiles had a few hours to himself before he was going to go meet his friends at the local pizza joint.

All of which he spent lying on his bed staring at a wall.

He fell dull, he felt _dead_.

And he just wanted it to _go away._

The shard of glass wasn't enough this time, so he knew his goal of the night was to find a way. A way to feel something.

Stiles was the first to arrive at the pizza place.

Usually, this meant he would ask for a table for 5 (give or take) and pick out what he wanted while he waited for the others to arrive.

But this time he didn't even get out of his car, because he knew what their absence meant-they had decided to ditch him.

A nauseous feeling erupted in his stomach and he was about to put his jeep in reverse and leave when he heard he familiar vroom of Scott's dirt bike, and he sluggishly exited his car.

Was it a plan? Have Stiles believe he was ditched so he would go home and the others could hang out in peace, not having to deal with him?

"Stiles!" Scott is smiling as he finishes chaining up his bike and starts making his way over to his friend, and Stiles hesitantly closes the door to his jeep.

"I'm guessing the girls aren't here yet. Figures. Let's get a table and choose what pizza we wa-" Scott stops and turns around to his friend to hesitantly grips on to his sleeve.

"You're staying, right?" His voice is barely a whisper, but Scott can still hear it.

But that doesn't stop him from tilting his head confused, "what?"

"You're not gonna ditch me right? If you don't want me here, please just say something. I'll go home." His dejected voice still a whisper.

Scott can smell the fear, and he can't even be mad at his friend for making the assumption that he would up and leave him at a pizza parlor.

"No, buddy. No one's leaving. Why would you think that?" he tries to make his voice gentle, but Stiles still flinches and his worry only grows.

"You-"

"Scott! Stiles!" Kira shouts from the passenger seat of Lydia's car as they pull into the parking lot and Stiles, slowly backtracks from his friend to find a table, leaving behind a worried, and admittedly confused Scott.

Throughout the dinner, Stiles acts like his normal self.

He shares random facts, makes a total of 3 sarcastic remarks, and fawns over Malia a grand total of 10 times.

(Okay, so the way he was behaving towards Malia lately had been a little…clingy? But it was still normal behavior.)

But even with all that Scott can't fully push away the worry nagging at him.

After dinner the groups all pile into their respective rides, Scott insisting on just riding his motorbike to the party "I can't leave my baby unattended here", and Malia switching to from Lydia's car to Stiles' jeep.

By the time they made it to Danny's, the party was already in full swing, and his house was packed. The group was pretty sure at least half the people here didn't even go to Beacon Hills high- not that Danny would complain.

"C'mon-" Malia excitedly proclaimed as she exited the jeep "I wanna dance!"

And while the drunk twerking of a bunch of teenager wasn't exactly what she was hoping for, Malia still made the floor her own, and she swayed around her boyfriend body, grinding against him and giggling. He spun her around and pressed his lips firmly against hers. And while she was caught a bit off guard- Stiles never being huge on PDA, even during this past week, she still smiled and leaned into the kiss. Her hands found their way to the back of his neck, while his wrested on her waist, and he pulled her closer until their bodies were firmly pressed against one another.

Not breaking the kiss, they slowly sauntered to a corner, most of the people in the room were to drunk to even care about the intense make out session going on in the corner of the room- besides they weren't the only ones.

After a few minutes Malia finally pulled away, her hands still wresting on the back of his neck.

"I love you" he breathed and she smiled, leaning in to peck his lips quickly.

"I'm gonna go get something to drink."

As she retreated away he reached out and gently gripped her wrist, afraid of her leaving.

"I'll be right back." She cooed as he loosened his grip and she found her way over to a table stock-pilled with booze.

After Malia finished her shot of…who the hell knows. She turned around only to see her boyfriend missing from the spot he stood last. She shrugged and grabbed a beer for him and searched for something that didn't taste like shit for her.

"Mikes hard lemonade?... Well I do like lemonade." She mumbled to herself before searching for her boyfriend.

It took her about 20 minutes to find him, Danny's house was average in size, but with dark lights, loud music, and drunk teenagers, it felt like a maze.

"Hey! There you are, I've been looking all over! Here' I got you a beer."

Stiles was off in a corner, dancing poorly to the song that was playing.

"Stiles! Did you hear me?"

He turned around- a goofy smile painted on his face.

"Malia! Babe I missed you!" She giggled as he scooped her into a hug, and then looked down at her hands.

"Aw you got me a beer, shit babe you're the best I fucking love you!"

He chugged the beer and dropped the can to the ground, before grabbing her hand and spinning her around.

"Isn't this music the fucking best!"

"I thought you didn't like this song?"

"Everything sounds better right now though! Everything feels better!"

Malia was happy to see her boyfriend in a genuinely happy mood. Okay, maybe it was the alcohol, but still, this was the happiest she had seen him in a while.

"Stiles! Malia!"

The two turned their heads to see Scott, Kira & Lydia approaching.

"Hey guys I fucking missed you!"

Kira laughed at her friend's drunken state but Scott looked at him confused, and Lydia had a thoughtful expression on her face.

"You smell weird." Scott blurted and Stiles just laughed.

"How much have you had to drink, Stiles?" Lydia asked and he looked at Malia.

"Just the beer Mals gave me."

The friends exchanged confused glances; this was not the work of one can of beer. Especially, since he had been acting this way even before he drank it, Malia thought.

Lydia nodded slowly, "Stiles look at me." She ordered and he obliged, still smiling.

"His pupils are dilated, Stiles are you high?" She asked and he just looked away, suddenly finding a poster in the corner of the room extremely intriguing.

"He doesn't smell like weed though-" Scott sighed as the others gave him accusatory looks, "don't look at me like that, I only know what it smells like because a good half of our school smokes it. Stiles is clean on that."

"There are more drugs out there besides pot, Scott" Lydia responded, in which a giggle erupted from Stiles.

"Pot Scott. Scott Pot." He mumbled to himself, smiling.

"He does smell weird though, it's like something I've never smelt before."

"Like an emotion?" Kira asked and Scott shook his head no.

"Stiles, look at me, what did you take?" Lydia's voice was stern, yet somewhat calming.

"I only took one."

She sighed, "one what?"

"One tab."

"Tab of what, Stiles?"

"It was green, like your eyes. And it had a Capricorn sign on it. I'm not a Capricorn though."

Lydia widened her eyes., "Oh my god he took MDMA."

"MDMA?" Scott asked and she sighed.

"Ecstasy."

Kira gasped while Scott just stared at his friend, Malia finally broke her silence.

"Ecstasy, how bad is that?"

Lydia sighed.

"Pretty bad, and very stupid of him. I can't believe he would do something like this."

Malia turned to her boyfriend, "Stiles why did you take ecstasy?"

H just smiled and whispered, "I wanted to feel."

"Feel what?" Scott asked and Stiles final dropped his smile.

"I just wanted the emptiness to go away."

The friends quietly exchanged concerned glances, knowing this probably wasn't the best time to discuss the matter.

"C'mon Stiles, we're leaving." Lydia declared, as she fished around her purse for her car keys, glad she hadn't had anything to drink yet.

"Where are you planning we take him?" Kira asked and Lydia paused.

Okay, maybe she hadn't thought this completely through.

"We could take him to Derek's." Scott suggested and Stiles laughed.

"Lets go visit the big bad wolf!" He giggled and Malia rolled her eyes, locking her arm around his.

The drive to Derek's loft was unusually tense, the only sound that filled the silence was Stiles' giggling or observations.

Malia knocked on the door to the loft and Derek opened it begrudgingly.

"Oh great, you guys stopped by unannounced."

Lydia smiled apologetically.

"I'm sorry Derek, but we didn't know where else to take him." She gestured to Stiles.

"What's wrong with him that you had to bring him here?"

"He decided it would be a good idea to take ecstasy." Malia responded, rolling her eyes.

Derek's eyes widened.

""Well, that's unexpected. I didn't imagine Stiles as the type, but then again it was a pretty stupid decision, so maybe Stiles is a perfect candidate for recreational drug use. But I can't exactly help you so you should probably just bring him home."

Scott sighed, "Dude, his dad's the sheriff, he could spot this from a mile away. Do you really think we can bring him home in this state? C'mon please just keep him here until his high wears off, and we'll owe you forever."

"But my dad's not home, Scott." Stiles finally decided to speak.

"Oh well, what time does he work until?"

"No he's not coming home. Don't you get it? He left, he doesn't want me anymore."

Derek and Scott both exchanged glances.

"Stiles, that can't be true. Now what time do you think he'll be home at." Scott tried being gentle, but was getting annoyed.

"He's not coming home. He's done with me. He's leaving."

Scott furrowed his brows.

"That's…weird." He mumbled.

"What is?" Kira responded for the group.

"His heartbeat doesn't indicate he's lying. It's probably the drugs but I didn't know they had this effect on werewolf lie-detecting."

Derek shook his head, "they don't…I just can't believe he's telling the truth. There must be more to the story."

Lydia snapped her fingers as if she had come to a realization.

"His heartbeat isn't faltering because he isn't lying…but that doesn't mean what he's saying is true."

Malia tilted her head, "Okay, I'm lost."

"Sheriff Stilinski may not be abandoning Stiles, but Stiles truly believes he is."

**A/N: I hope you guys liked chapter 3, don't forget to review. I changed the story summary after EUroBear suggested it, does it sound better guys? Also, I've never been on ecstasy, and probably described it all wrong, sorry!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! Sorry this chapter took forever, my laptop charger isn't working. It's pretty tragic actually. Anyway does anyone have any ship preferences? Leave a comment letting me know!**

Scott stays at the loft with Derek and Stiles, while the girls decide to go home.

Because of the drugs, Stiles doesn't call asleep, so they just leave him in the living room to wander around and talk about how "fucking amazing" everything is.

Did you know plain black coffee mugs were fucking amazing?

Well, they are.

Scott and Derek sit in Derek's room, discussing the Stiles situation.

Or, Scott talks while Derek grunts and wonders why the kid can't just leave his room so he can sleep in peace.

"I mean it all started a few weeks ago, but I just kept pushing it aside."

"What did?"

"Him thinking everyone's leaving. I thought he was just like that with me because of Allison, but if he's like that with his dad….I wonder if he's like that with everyone."

Derek sighs, okay, maybe he does care. Not that he'd like to admit it.

"How did it start?"

So Scott explains the cafeteria incident from a few weeks ago, and the pizza incident from last night.

"Has he been acting odd in any other ways? Wait, let me rephrase that- has he been acting less Stiles in any other ways?"

Scott reaches for his back pocket and grabs his phone, sending a quick text to the rest of their group, asking the same question Derek asked him.

He is met with two _ "not reallys"_ and one "_kinda clingy"_ from Malia.

"Malia says he's been kind of clingy."

Derek nods, "well, that could go with the whole fear of abandonment thing."

"Is it just aftermath of the nogitsune or is this something worse?"

Derek shrugs, "I can't tell, not yet at least. I guess we can see if this fades out or guess worse, and go from there."

Scott nods and thanks him for his help before making his way back down the staircase, deciding Derek has done more than enough and deserves some sleep.

Stiles is seated on the floor, staring at the blank wall in front of him.

"Do you see them Scott?" He asks, and Scott doesn't even want to bother trying to get through the drug-hallucination logic, so he shrugs and tells Stiles he's going to sleep.

It takes Scott about an hour to drift off to sleep, while it takes Stiles about 6 more.

So in the morning Derek is greeted with Scott awkwardly sitting in the love seat he slept on while Stiles is still passed out on the couch.

"Do you want me to wake him?"

Derek shakes his head, "just let him sleep it off, I can drive you guys to Danny's to get his car and your bike once he's back to somewhat normal."

"Thanks man, I appreciate it."

Derek just nods in reply and pours some coffee into his mug before heading back to the stairs, he hesitates though and turns back to Scott.

" I googled the side effects of ecstasy-"

"Stiles would be proud."

Derek gives him a pointed look and Scott shrugs, "I mean he'd be proud you used google. Okay, sorry, what?"

Derek rolls his eyes and sighs to himself, "anyway, apparently it can make you depressed for a day or two after. So as annoyed as we all are at Stiles, I think we should wait until he's not feeling like total shit to interrogate him on why he would do something so stupid."

"I'm surprised you put so much thought into this."

Derek shrugs, " I mean theirs obviously something wrong, and considering last time we waited until he was possessed by a demon to notice, I just think…" he trials off at a loss of words, but a stir fills the silence.

"Stiles?"

"Scott? Wha- Derek?"

He stretches while Derek grabs a bottle of water from the kitchen and hands it to him.

"Dehydration is a side effect of the crap you took, drink up."

Stiles eyes widen and his eyes dart between the two.

"Aw shit you guys weren't. I'm sorry-fuck. I-I-"

"Just drink the damn water."

Stiles chugs down the water and the scent of exhaustion and sadness is eminent.

He reaches into his back pocket and turns on his phone.

"Malia called but I was asleep." He mumbles to himself.

"Well just call her back."

Stiles shakes his head, eyes darting around the room frantically, he almost looks manic. "I can't believe she'd do it over the phone."

"Do what?"

"End it."

Scott glances to Derek who has the same confused expression on his face.

"What makes you think she's breaking up with you?" Scott asks, trying to push the subject.

"I just do. I know. I-I can tell she's getting tired of me."

"Stiles, I don't think she wants to break up with you, she's probably just worried."

But Stiles isn't listening, or maybe he is and he just doesn't agree with a word that's being said- Scott can't tell.

"Stiles, man, are you…okay?"

This has Stiles listening, his head quickly snapping to Scotts.

"It's gone, Scott."

"Stiles what are you talking about?"

"The nogitsune. It's gone. I'm me."

"What are you…? I know that. I know. I'm asking if you're okay."

"I know you can't forgive me, but I know I don't deserve to be forgiven either."

"Forgiven? What? Stiles?"

"Scott." This time it's Derek who cuts in, and Scott looks at him, hoping he's feels as lost right now, but he's just shaking his head, and whispers, werewolf low, "just leave it alone for now. Talk to him when he's in a better state of mind."

"I don't know when that will be… I don't think this is just a drug comedown." Scott whispers back.

"Done." Stiles smiles to himself, drawing the attention in the room back to him.

"Done with what?"

"I told Malia I knew what she was up to, and ended it with her."

Scott gapes at him, "what? Why would you break up with her? Stiles you're crazy about her. Jesus, you two could barely stay away from each other lately, what gives?"

He's beyond confused, and can't help but feel sorry for Malia.

"No Scott, I didn't break up with her. I mean, I did but it wasn't my choice."

"Stiles, what the hell are you on about?" It's Derek this time.

"I ended it with her before she ended it with me. I didn't want to break up with her, but I just did what she was going to do anyway." He nods to himself like his logic is flawless, and his friends are more confused than ever.

**Sorry this chapter is so short, I'm planning a pretty dramatic one soon, so don't worry. Poor Malia! Also please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Again, sorry for the long wait. I just ordered a new charger for my laptop so the updates should be more frequent since I wont have to borrow chargers from people, lol. Also! I'm thinking of making this story Sterek, because I (and like 90% of the fandom) am a sucker for Sterek. However, I'm not sure if I should have romance in this story, because it's supposed to be centered around Stiles' mental health, and I'm not sure if romance would ruin that. If it were to be Sterek it would be pretty slow burn. Idk, OPINIONS?**

Derek drives Scott and Stiles back to Danny's house, and for the entire duration of the ride, the only noise in the car is the constant chiming from Stiles' phone-texts from a frantic Malia, and Stiles murmuring incoherently under his breath. Stiles and Scott parted ways at Danny's, even though Scott had offered to hang out.

Stiles knew it was just to babysit him because he was winding down after taking drugs, he knew Scott didn't really want to hang out with Stiles- no one did.

He sped on the drive home, even though he knew it was to an empty house.

_He knew_

_He knew_

_He knew_

He spent his Saturday laying in bed, ignoring concerned texts, and feeling sick but not knowing how to describe his symptoms, and was surprised when he heard his fathers squad car pull into the driveway in the late evening.

The familiar sound of the front door squeaking open, and his father kicking off his shoes fills the house which had been eerily quiet for the duration of the day.

"Stiles! Have you had dinner yet?"

He hasn't. He hasn't had lunch or breakfast either.

"Yeah, sorry!"

Even though he skipped his Adderall today, his mind is surprisingly blank as he drifts off into sleep.

On Sunday the texts stop flooding in, and that's when the loneliness hits him like a ton of bricks, loneliness that he tries to fill with a few shots of his fathers whiskey.

The burn on his throat makes him yearn for the burn on his body which his shard of glass provides.

Sunday is a blur of booze and blood.

Which of course, leads to concern on Monday.

Even though stiles scrubs his skin raw, and brushes his teeth twice, Scott can still tell his friend is hung-over, because nothing can cover the way he flinches at the fluorescent lights in the halls, or gulps down an aspirin with his Gatorade.

Stiles is a walking poster boy for reasons not to drink.

"You're hung-over." It's not a question, but Stiles takes a moment to be grateful Scott doesn't notice the scent of blood.

_He probably does, he's just ignoring it._

_He doesn't care_

Stiles just shrugs in response to the statement, because he's not sure what he can say.

"Are you serious? Stiles you spent your weekend getting down from a high, and then decided to get plastered the night before school? What the hell is going on with you?"

But before he can open his mouth to speak Malia storms down the hallway, furious.

"Stiles, we need to talk!"

And he wants to excape, but they've ogt him cornered.

"Care to explain why you broke up with my over text?"

"Theirs nothing to explain, I just beat you to the punch."

"What are you talking about?"

Lydia slowly approaches the group, Kira in tow, clutching onto Scotts side.

"Stiles-" He can't even tell whose voice it is because everything is blending together.

He tugs at his hair and lets out a wimper, squeezing his eyes shut.

And then he runs, he runs to the bathroom and dry heaves into the toilet until some whiskey sloshes into the bowl.

No one follows him into the bathroom and he knows its because they're tired of dealing with him.

And he's tired too.

He's just so tired, and he feels so worn.

Everything is a jumble, nothing makes sense, words, thoughts, people, everything blurs together too much for him to even have an opinion on the matter.

He clamps his hands over his mouth and screams out his frustrations and confusions, pops another Adderall (he took 2 this morning in an attempt to even out skipping over the weekend) and makes his way to class with a mask on his face.

Everyone thought he was acting wrong, so he had to appear right.

_They know you're not right._

_Know you're losing it._

He pinches at his stomach where a new cut is, and the small sting helps drown out the voice in the back of his mind.

He's able to act more normal during the rest of the day, telling Scott h got drunk because he was sad about his break-up, and that he was still a little out of it this morning.

It's all lies, but Scott just nods his head, a weary expression on his face, like he's struggling with what to say.

Stiles skips lunch, heading to the library instead.

He just can't deal with that many people right now, and even though he knows this leaves them with the opportunity to talk shit about him, he'll take it for the silence.

_They're glad you're not there._

Well, almost silence.

It's okay though, because he wasn't planning on eating anyway.

When he gets home he starts to feel guilty for how he treated his friends today, because he doesn't deserve him, and they don't want him, and before he knows it he's falling to his knees crying and screaming, yearning for something to silence his brain.

He'll take the emptiness over this.

He'll take anything.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I've gotten over a thousand hits on this story now! Hellz yeah! Anyway, this is a chapter I was really excited to write, and I spent more time on it than my others, so hopefully it turned out well. It's a bit different because it's told without Stiles' POV. Also! I've just started my second teen wolf fic. It's a Sterek story based off the book "Speak" so if anyones interested, please check that out!**

Lydia was sitting in her AP Biology class when her ears slowly faded from her teachers lecture and to the sound of an old jeep failing to start up. She glances out the window, but saw no such car in the parking lot, her ears were then hit with the sound of clanking pins, and unraveling yarn. It was then that she realized the sounds were sounds that she associated with Stiles.

And it was then that she had a feeling in the back of her throat, like she wanted to scream.

"Ms. Martin, where do you think you're going?" Lydia averted her teachers question as she dashed out of the classroom and ran down the hall, towards Finstock's classroom, where Scott and Stiles' econ class was.

She didn't even bother knocking, and swung the door open, Finstock stopped her lecture and turned to her, confused.

Lydia's eyes darted around the room, Stiles wasn't here.

Lydia was in a panic, and couldn't even think straight.

"Scott! Scott I feel like I'm gonna scream….at Stiles!"

It took Scott a moment to comprehend what she was telling him, before his eyes widened and he darted from his chair.

"Sorry coach I got to go!"

He didn't even wait for his teachers reply as he ran from the room, following Lydia to her car.

They sped to the Stilinski house as Lydia explained what happened in class, and Scott continuously called and texted Stiles.

Lydia pulled up in front of the house, his jeep was still in the driveway and they got out of the car.

"He's here, and he's alive, I can smell him."

"We should still check up on him, the feeling is getting stronger."

They knocked, but when no one answered, so they decided to let themselves in and, went straight to Stiles' room.

He was sitting on his bed with a gun in his hand, pointed to his temple.

"Stiles!" they gasped in union, dashing towards his bed.

He slowly lowered the gun and turned to look at them.

"Hey guys." His voice was meek, and distant, as if he didn't know what was going on.

"Hey, hey." Lydia cooed, slowly taking the gun from his hand and handing it to Scott.

She wrapped him up in her arms while Scott left to disarm the gun-thank you Allison for teaching everyone.

Stiles stayed limp in Lydia's arms for a bit, before his eyes started darting around as if he was finally in touch with reality and understood what was going on. He began to flail in her arms, gasping in panicky breaths.

"Stiles! Calm down it's okay!" Scott exclaimed, wrapping his stronger arms around his friend to contain him. Stiles kept flailing until Lydia omitted a horrified gasp.

"Stiles, oh sweetie, what is that?"

His shirt had ridden up in his struggle with Scott, and she had seen some of the markings on his stomach. As he struggled against Scotts grip, Lydia lifted the hem of his shirt, and stared in horror.

"What?" Scott asked, before glancing down at his friend's stomach, which was covered in self-inflicted gashes.

Stiles finally calmed down and stared at his friends as they hovered over him.

"Please don't tell my dad."

Scott and Lydia exchanged incredulous looks, having no idea how to respond.

"Stiles, you need help…" Lydia tried being gentle and flinched at his reaction.

"No! Please, Lyds, please! Scott, come on man!" His voice broke and he looked like he was on the verge of tears.

"Stiles, you're hurting yourself, and you tried to kill yourself. You need help, we need to make sure you're okay." But he just frantically shook his head at her response.

Scott was in shock as he watched his best friend, his brother, have a breakdown. Stiles was always the person who could handle anything, and seeing him so vulnerable came as a shock.

"Okay, okay, how about this? We wont tell your dad, if you promise to let one of us stay with you whenever he's not home to make sure you don't hurt yourself again."

Lydia glared at Scott's statement, a disbelieving look on her face.

"Scott-" She began, but Stiles cut her off.

"Okay, okay I'll do it just please don't tell my dad. Please."

Lydia pointed to Scott, and then pointed to the door of Stiles room with a stern expression on her face. She then practically dragged Scott out of the room by his ear.

"Scott! We can't not tell his dad! Stiles needs professional help!"

"But telling his dad will just upset him further, look how upset he was."

"Exactly! He was so upset that he was going to shoot himself if we hadn't shown up earlier! Something is seriously wrong with him, and he needs help, help that we can't give him!"

Scott sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Look, he''ll always have someone near him, and- and this is probably just a phase-"

"A PHASE? Being suicidal is a phase?!"

"No! I just meant…I mean he's probably still not over being possessed. And he's been acting weird lately, so it's not like this is out of nowhere. It'll probably blow over once he gets over the nogitsune thing. Until then we can always have someone on guard to make sure he doesn't do something stupid."

"Scott, look, I know this is hard for you, but you need to face the fact that this is out of our reach."

"Please Lydia. If I see one more …mark on him or he even talks about dying we'll get him help. But if we tell his dad they could lock him away, which would make getting over being possessed even worse."

Lydia sighed and ran a hand through her hair, contemplating. She then nudged Stiles door open a smidge and watched him as he curled up in bed. A sad smile etched onto her face.

"Okay, fine. I hate myself for this, but fine. But you have to promise me there will always been an eye on him. And you wont ignore any suspicious behavior. I really hope you're right about this Scott. Seeing him like this hurts me too, you know."

Scott smiled gratefully and went back into Stiles' room, engulfing his friend in a hug.

"Okay buddy, we wont tell your dad alright. But someone's going to stay with you at all times to make sure you don't do something like this again. You're scaring us."

Stiles timidly nodded in response and Scott then Lydia texted Kira, and Derek, telling them that they needed help with Stiles. He didn't text Malia because he knew it would only make things awkward, and he also conveniently left out the fact that Stiles tried to kill himself.


End file.
